31-03-2025

This weeks have been tough. I feel like I'm experiencing some kind of withdrawal. Even though I try hard not to re-download TikTok or Instagram, I still find myself mindlessly scrolling—whether it's through Gmail or my gallery—for hours. I know it's not productive, just as I knew scrolling on TikTok wasn't productive. So, what was the point of deleting those apps in the first place?

At least I can feel boredom now. However, my mind still resists confronting my studies, tedious tasks, and responsibilities. It's as if I have an intrinsic fear of dealing with boring things. I may be more mentally engaged now, but I still jump between different activities—some of them stimulating—but none that contribute meaningfully to my studies, finances (if that's something I should care about) or long-term goals.

I didn't do much, either. The highlight? I threw myself into some kind of experimental theatre group, no plan, no reason, just pure impulse—impulses which I live by. Walked into some organization three days before the whole thing kicked off, and they told me about it. So I said screw it, why not, and I just joined. Just like that.

And Jesus, it was fun. Didn't know a single soul there, which made it better, somehow—felt looser, like I wasn't tied down by expectations. Started jumping and dancing like a lunatic, no second thoughts, just movement. But man, the people there... professionals, or close enough. The way they moved, the way they owned it—like they'd been born on stage. Meanwhile, I was acting crazy, and I knew for a fact that everyone could tell.

At the end, I told the organizer, "That was great, but theatre? Acting? Not my thing." He looked at me, dead serious. "What's your kind of art, then?" I shrugged. "I don't know, I'm not really the artist type." Then, just to kill the silence, "I do like to write, though." And suddenly, boom—he's all over it. "You should write about this. Write for this project. If it's good enough, you might even get to travel abroad with us, read your work."

And damn, I got hyped. The kind of reckless enthusiasm that kicks in before your brain has a chance to remind you who you are. So I said yes. Just like that. But now there's this nagging thing in the back of my head whispering, "You never finish assignments. Your writing's mediocre at best." And it's right. But screw it, maybe this is something, maybe it's not. Maybe I crash and burn. Either way, it's a start.

Sigh. We'll see. We'll see.